Sometimes I feel like a fraud…

Everyone has different perceptions of one another- how others see us and how we see ourselves. 

At school, quite a lot people consider myself a nice/ happy person. I think it’s flattering and kind of them that they do, but sometimes I feel fraudulent- as if I’ve created a fake version of myself that never has a bad thought or hasn’t done anything wrong. I think bad thoughts and I’ve done bad things; thus being called ‘nice’ seems like I’m lying to people. 

Similarly, I’ve been called ‘clever’- agreed it’s a bit on an ego- boost, but again I can feel like a fraud. I know people more intelligent than myself, I don’t always understand things or get amazing or get instant great grades. As I’ve said in a previous post- clever means a lot of different things and can come in different forms- but to be called ‘clever’ academically feels untrue to myself- though sometimes I think it’s just me putting pressure on myself-If I don’t do as well as I’ve hoped I’ll think that I’m fraudulently- lying about my knowledge.

I’ve recently been revising over the Easter holiday, however I’ve procrastinated a large amount too (procrastination is a talent of mine)- so when I say ‘I’ve spent the day revising’, I really haven’t. I’m procrastinating now with this post ( English lit drains me lol ). Therefore is this not making me a fraud for saying that I’ve revised?

To summarise- I often feel fraudulent as I don’t always seem how I actually am (I have no idea if that makes any sense). Despite also knowing that I’m not fraudulent- at the same time I think I am.  Sorry for a weird and rambley post. 

– Jenn

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